Suzy Spikes — America’s Favorite Little Litigator

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“We live in a hideously unjust society where the only thing anyone cares about is oppressing precious, innocent children.” — Suzanne Marie Spikes

So proclaimed 11-year-old Suzy Spikes immediately before her parents imposed sentence in Spikes v. Spikes, Case No. 1,094,908, in which Suzy was charged with 48 counts of Bad Attitude with Intent to Act Like a Teenager. Just another day in the life of poor Suzy Spikes.

Check out Suzy’s world by clicking on the links below (or just scroll down). Make sure you’re well-insured and keep your lawyer’s number handy:

Sentencing Suzy ★ ★ ★ ★ (1998 Drama) Litigious adolescent defends herself against battery charges involving misplaced Monopoly game piece.

Suzy Assumes the Risk ★ ★ ★ ★ (1998 Action) Litigious adolescent engages in hijinks on the soccer field while coaches seek to avoid tort liability.

Suzy’s Re-dress ★ ★ ★ ★ (1999 Noir) Litigious adolescent crusades against school dress code on behalf of garment-oppressed youth.

Suzy’s Breach ★ ★ ★ ★ (2000 Comedy) Litigious adolescent fights for free speech against media conglomerate bent on making her pay for magazine subscription.

Suzy’s Soulmate ★ ★ ★ ★ (2001 Romance) Litigious adolescent struggles to find love, only to lose it over a contract dispute.

Suzy Spikes appeared in five Harmless Error columns, all of which found her using the law to fight for childhood freedom from tyranny wherever it raised its ugly head, which basically was anywhere Suzy went. Suzy, modeled after my own strong-willed daughter, was the ultimate champion of children’s rights, especially her own.

A sitcom pitch for the “The Legal Life of Suzy Spikes” impressed a certain well-known executive producer of a popular cable network devoted to the younger set, but did not materialize. Perhaps the fear of Suzy coming to life and suing everyone for misappropriating her celebrity right of publicity scared off the honchos. (Note to entertainment execs: Multimillion dollar television and movie deals can be easily negotiated on Lawhaha.com simply by using the Contact link found at the top of every page.)

Law Review Articles CAN Have An Impact

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Preying on the Graying coverOne doesn’t have to look far to find criticism of law professors for spending such a large portion of their time writing long, heavily foonoted, sleep-inducing law review articles.  We even poke fun at ourselves for it, Exhibit A being The World’s Greatest Law Review Article.

But law review articles can and do have an impact.  Have to share the good news that my proposal for a statutory presumption of elder financial exploitation in my recent Hastings Law Journal article, Preying on the Graying: A Statutory Presumption to Prosecute Elder Financial Exploitation, was signed into law by Florida Governor Rick Scott on June 20.  The proposal passed unanimously through every legislative committee and both the Florida House of Representatives and Florida Senate, showing that at least some bipartisan issues still exist.

Don McClurg, USS JeffersThe article arose from a cruel financial exploitation incident involving our remarkable dad shortly before he passed away last year.  He’s shown here during WWII.

On October 1, 2014, when the law takes effect, prosecutors in Florida will have several more tools at their disposal.  In addition to my presumption statute, the new law (HB 409/Offenses Against Vulnerable Persons) creates the nation’s only elder hearsay exception and eliminates the requirement of proving deception or intimidation in elder exploitation cases.

Elder financial exploitation is a problem of enormous scope and growing rapidly as baby boomers age.  The crimes are notoriously underreported and under-prosecuted, often due to the same factors that make older adults vulnerable to exploitation in the first place.  If you care about this issue and know a legislator in your state, contact them and let them know they can help by supporting legislation similar to Florida’s.

In the meantime, watch after your own elders.  Don’t make the mistake of assuming they are immune to exploitation.  We would have voted our father to be the World’s Most Unlikely Victim.

Spot the Tort: Yet Another Rollin’ Tort

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Another Rollin' TortWhat Lawhaha.com calls “Rollin’ Torts” are so common they probably deserve their own subcategory in “Spot the Tort.”  As will no doubt be defined in the next edition of the Oxford Dictionary, “Rollin’ Torts” are vehicles moving down the highway carrying items too big and/or unsecured to be moved safely in that fashion or by that vehicle.  They are, literally, accidents waiting to happen.

Here, we have another great (meaning outrageously bad) example–in the pouring rain no less–courtesy of a 3L law student who, along with all her classmates, I taught to play “Spot the Tort” as a 1L.

–Thanks to Jessica Wargo.

Warning: Do Not Roast a Turkey in Toaster

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Toaster WarningOkay, this warning label, sent along by lawyer comic and insurance expert Randy Maniloff, does not actually cover turkey roasting, but maybe that’s because there wasn’t any room left after warning people not to toast their “Danish, Muffin [or] Cake” in the toaster.

But wait, what’s up with the warning to not put “Bread” in the toaster?

–Thanks to Randy Maniloff.

Warning: Another Coffee Cup Maker Thinks Hot Coffee Is a Joke

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More hot coffee warningsA while back I posted a picture of a coffee cup, reportedly from Canada, that made fun of U.S. tort law and, indirectly, poor Stella Liebeck, the plaintiff in the infamous McDonald’s coffee spill.

Now Chris Fergus, a professor in Australia, sends along this photo showing another coffee cup maker having a grand old time with the case by including a warning on its cups stating, “Avoid Pouring on Crotch Area.”  I don’t speak French, but  can guess the French version amounts to something like “Don’t Pour It on Your Oolala.”  Chris said he received the photo from one of his students and is unsure where it originated.

Hilarious, unless you happen to end up like Ms. Liebeck.  Sorry for the graphic pic, but this is actually one of the milder pictures of her burn injuries:

Stella Liebeck's burn injuries

And so here we are more than a decade later continuing to distort the American tort system with a case in which dangerously hot coffee sold through a drive-thru window caused third-degree burns to a 79-year-old woman who accidentally spilled it while a passenger in a stopped vehicle trying to add cream and sugar.  Consult the original post for links to some eye-opening information about what really happened in the McDonald’s coffee spill case.

–Thanks to Chris Fergus

Buy 1L of a Ride Second Edition

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1L of a Ride Second Edition coverThe "Companion Text" to Law SchoolIf you’re contemplating or applying to law school, boost your ability to maximize success with the highest-rated law school prep book, 1L of a Ride: A Well-Traveled Professor’s Roadmap to Success in the First Year of Law School.  Read the Amazon Customer Reviews.

And don’t forget the loved ones. They’re in for an adventure too.  The “Companion Text” to Law School: Understanding and Surviving Life with a Law Student is the only book written just for them.  Named one of Amazon Editors’ Favorite Books of 2014.

Warning: Don’t Trip on the Banana Peel Caution Cone

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banana peel warning coneA student sent me this.  Not sure where it was taken, but gotta love it.  A much better attention-getter than the usual caution cones.

It raises the larger question of “Do people really slip on banana peels?”  Yes.  While slipping on a banana peel is a comedic cliché, it happens.

The famous Prosser, Wade & Schwartz Torts casebook contains a trilogy of cases involving plaintiffs who slipped on banana peels.  In keeping with the comedic tradition, our discussion of the cases ends with this question:  “Before we move on, what do the three banana cases all have in common?”  Pause, bewildered looks.  “They all went up on … a peel.”  Drum roll.

Mythbusters found there’s nothing particularly slippery about banana peels, but Googling the issue brings up several recent instances of people falling on them.  In December 2013, a Staten Island man slipped on a banana peel and fell onto the subway tracks.

A Legal View of U2 — Pro Bono or No Bono?

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Mark Purdy Bono CartoonFriend of Lawhaha.com and legal cartoonist Mark Purdy has penned a cartoon raising an intriguing question that has long puzzled lawyers and rock music lovers alike.  It’s purdy funny (ouch, sorry).  So what’s your answer, are you “Pro Bono” or “No Bono”?

Pro bono legal work are services rendered by lawyers without charge to low income clients or otherwise in furtherance of the public good.  (Pro bono comes from the Latin phrase pro bono publico, which means “for the public good.”)

Lawyers get a bad rap, but most non-lawyers probably do not realize that lawyers donate literally millions of hours of free legal services annually in the United States.  Name another profession whose members donate so much of their time.  (Click here for a comprehensive 2008 study of pro bono service conducted by the American Bar Association.)

Spot the Tort: Parents Never Listen

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Do not play on the dinosaur.I count at least six kids climbing on this dinosaur, one about to climb on, and maybe more if the dinosaur extends to those kids at the back, all in contravention of the warning sign:

PARENTS: Do not let Children Play or Climb on top of Dinosaur

The warning is emphatic and seems pretty clear, although perhaps the kid inside the mouth could hire Suzy Spikes to make a persuasive textualist argument that she is not technically “on top” of the dinosaur.

Looks like they need a second sign: “PARENTS: Read the sign that says to keep your kids off the dinosaur.”

I join the sender in asking why “Children” and “Play” are capitalized.  (“Dinosaur” makes sense.  More like a proper noun, as in “Bye, Dinosaur!  We had fun playing and climbing on you.”)

–Thanks to Heath Waddingham.