Rowenta felt the need to caution purchasers of its irons to:
Never iron clothes while they are being worn.
Sounds crazy, right? But when I asked my first-year law school class, filled with exceptionally intelligent people, if any of them had tried to iron clothes while wearing them, a lot of them nodded affirmatively.
A unanimous Strange Judicial Opinions Hall of Fame opinion is Cordas v. Peerless Transportation Co., penned in 1941 by Judge Carlin (no relation to George) of the New York City Court.
The defendant was a chauffeur and the victim of an armed car-jacking by a fleeing robber who threatened to blow the chauffeur’s brains out. In fright, the chauffeur slammed on the brakes and jumped out of the vehicle, which kept moving and hit the plaintiff pedestrian and her children (fortunately, injuries were slight).
The case stands for the unremarkable principle that under the basic negligence standard of reasonable care “under the circumstances,” people aren’t expected to exercise as much care in emergency situations as in non-emergencies where they have time to weigh and deliberate. It also stands as a literary masterpiece of judicial opinion writing.
Full appreciation of this classic can come only with a full reading, but here’s how it starts:
This case presents the ordinary man–that problem child of the law–in a most bizarre setting. As a lowly chauffeur in defendant’s employ he became in a trice the protagonist in a breath-bating drama with a denouement almost tragic. It appears that a man, whose identity it would be indelicate to divulge, was feloniously relieved of his portable goods by two nondescript highwaymen in an alley near 26th Street and Third Avenue, Manhattan; they induced him to relinquish his possessions by a strong argument ad hominem couched in the convincing cant of the criminal and pressed at the point of a most persuasive pistol.
Carlin apparently was a learned Shakespeare fan. In excusing the chauffeur from liability for jumping out of the moving vehicle, Carlin said:
If the philosophic Horatio and the martial companions of his watch were ‘distilled almost to jelly with the act of fear’ when they beheld ‘in the dead vast and middle of night’ the disembodied spirit of Hamlet’s father stalk majestically by ‘with a countenance more in sorrow than in anger,’ was not the chauffeur, though unacquainted with the example of these eminent men-at-arms more amply justified in his fearsome reactions when he was more palpably confronted by a thing of flesh and blood bearing in its hand an engine of destruction which depended for its lethal purpose upon the quiver of a hair.
Translation: It’s not negligent to react in fright when a carjacker has a gun pointed at your head.
— Cordas v. Peerless Transp. Co., 27 N.Y.S.2d 198, 199, 201 (City Court of N.Y. 1941). Thanks to all the folks who sent in this classic.
Silly Putty! What a great product. It’s may be the most successful product ever invented that lacks virtually any social utility. True, you can bend it around and pick up newsprint on it, but is it actually useful for anything?
Hey, I know, how about using it for ear plugs?
Nope, that’s no good. The packaging warns:
Not intended for use as ear plugs.
This warning for a Slinky is mildly amusing because Slinkys just don’t seem very dangerous, but it’s the instructions that crack me up.
First, the warning:
CAUTION: Do not use in moving vehicle. Do not throw coils out any window. Keep Slinky away from face and eyes.
Now the instructions, and pay attention because they are complicated:
TO BOUNCE SLINKY UP AND DOWN: Hold a few coils tightly in one hand, allowing rest of Slinky to hang down. Now in a bouncing motion, move hand slowly up and down.
So that’s how you do it. I never could figure that out. I was always holding it up. Duh.
Here’s a nice wood library ladder from the Eddie Bauer Home website. It appears to be a high quality ladder, as long as you remember that it is:
Not for use as a ladder
This is my favorite wacky warning of all time. Usually, if you ponder a warning, you can figure out why it’s there, even seemingly ridiculous warnings. So, for example, a warning on a heavy-duty power drill to not use it as a dental drill is probably there because some wayward consumer actually attempted to use it that way.
But I’ve never been able to conceive of a reason–even an unreasonable fear of lawsuits-based reason–why this manufacturer of home carbon monoxide detectors felt compelled to warn purchasers that the product is not a substitute for life insurance. If you have any ideas, send them along. Here’s the warning:
Carbon Monoxide detectors are not a substitute for life insurance. Though these detectors warn against increasing CO levels, we do not warrant or imply in any way that they will protect lives from CO poisoning. Homeowners and rents must still insure their lives.
There’s another issue with this warning. Why would any consumer want to buy a carbon monoxide detector that the manufacturer is not willing to warrant, or even “imply in any way,” will protect them from CO poisoning (the advertised purpose and utility of the product).
Shoot, I read this instruction on a new blender too late:
DO NOT expect your Blender to replace all of your kitchen appliances.
I had already put my stove, microwave, dishwasher and fridge on Craigslist before I saw it.
A funny juxtaposition of a warning in a Hong Kong subway, directly above a Nike ad.
The translated warning at the top says (yellow highlighting):
DANGER! JUMPING INTO THE TUNNEL IS FORBIDDEN
The Nike ad below suggests one reconsider.
Here are the warnings from a dust-mist-fumes respirator mask from a home improvement store. It’s a good product, but just be aware that:
This respirator does not supply oxygen.
and
Use only in atmospheres with adequate oxygen to sustain human life.
Another close call, saved by a product warning. Do not bother packing this mask for your upcoming trip through the solar system.
(All photos are expandable thumbnails.)
Here’s a warning for a power drill, the kind you buy at Home Depot for the purpose of making holes in wood, metal and concrete.
But read up before using, people, because:
This product is not intended for use as a dental drill or in medical applications.
That last part threw me because I have this pain in my side and also this really nice 18-volt hammer drill. I was thinking, why not see what’s going on it there? I’m glad I read the warning first.
Most people enjoy this warning for the seemingly silly dental drill caution, but I also like this part:
Do not allow familiarity gained from frequent use of your rotary tool to become commonplace.
I know what they’re trying to say, and they do clear it up in the unbolded sentence that follows. It’s an issue worthy of addressing in product warnings because tons of “cognitive failure” research shows that humans are prone to mental slips when performing tasks, and, perhaps counterintuitively, that the more expert a person becomes in performing a task, the more likely he or she is to commit a mental slip. Familiarity and confidence breed inattention.
So it’s a well-intended warning, but the bolded sentence doesn’t say what it means. Essentially, it says don’t let familiarity with the tool become commonplace, which is a non-sequitur.