Warning Labels

Here’s a great product to grow aragonite crystals just by adding white distilled vinegar. It’s hard to imagine a consumer product with greater social utility.

The packaging contains a seemingly silly warning that:

WARNING: Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth!

Maybe the rocks resemble candy, in which case it wouldn’t be such a silly warning. On the other hand, anyone who would mistake the rocks for candy probably wouldn’t be old enough to read the warning.

… or any other part of the body they do not cover.

Okay, there are unusual warnings and just plain stupid ones:

Shin pads can not protect any part of the body they do not cover.

Have a dog? How’s he feeling? If he’s down in the dumps, maybe he’d enjoy a nice outdoor session chasing a Frisbee Flexible Flying Disc for Dogs.

But don’t expect it to change his mood completely by making the common consumer mistake that a plastic disc is a therapeutic device. As the manufacturer cautions across the top in all capital letters:

THIS IS A DOG TOY … IT IS NOT A THERAPEUTIC DEVICE

Lower down it warns:

DO NOT THROW IT DIRECTLY AT YOUR DOG

Why? Because he’s like to experience feelings of rejection and anxiety and require therapy, but as they just told you, it’s not a therapeutic device.

Rowenta felt the need to caution purchasers of its irons to:

Never iron clothes while they are being worn.

Sounds crazy, right? But when I asked my first-year law school class, filled with exceptionally intelligent people, if any of them had tried to iron clothes while wearing them, a lot of them nodded affirmatively.

Silly Putty!  What a great product.  It’s may be the most successful product ever invented that lacks virtually any social utility.  True, you can bend it around and pick up newsprint on it, but is it actually useful for anything?

Hey, I know, how about using it for ear plugs?

Nope, that’s no good. The packaging warns:

Not intended for use as ear plugs.

This warning for a Slinky is mildly amusing because Slinkys just don’t seem very dangerous, but it’s the instructions that crack me up.

First, the warning:

CAUTION: Do not use in moving vehicle. Do not throw coils out any window. Keep Slinky away from face and eyes.

Now the instructions, and pay attention because they are complicated:

TO BOUNCE SLINKY UP AND DOWN: Hold a few coils tightly in one hand, allowing rest of Slinky to hang down. Now in a bouncing motion, move hand slowly up and down.

So that’s how you do it.  I never could figure that out.  I was always holding it up. Duh.

Here’s a nice wood library ladder from the Eddie Bauer Home website. It appears to be a high quality ladder, as long as you remember that it is:

Not for use as a ladder

This is my favorite wacky warning of all time. Usually, if you ponder a warning, you can figure out why it’s there, even seemingly ridiculous warnings. So, for example, a warning on a heavy-duty power drill to not use it as a dental drill is probably there because some wayward consumer actually attempted to use it that way.

But I’ve never been able to conceive of a reason–even an unreasonable fear of lawsuits-based reason–why this manufacturer of home carbon monoxide detectors felt compelled to warn purchasers that the product is not a substitute for life insurance. If you have any ideas, send them along. Here’s the warning:

Carbon Monoxide detectors are not a substitute for life insurance. Though these detectors warn against increasing CO levels, we do not warrant or imply in any way that they will protect lives from CO poisoning.  Homeowners and rents must still insure their lives.

There’s another issue with this warning. Why would any consumer want to buy a carbon monoxide detector that the manufacturer is not willing to warrant, or even “imply in any way,” will protect them from CO poisoning (the advertised purpose and utility of the product).

Shoot, I read this instruction on a new blender too late:

DO NOT expect your Blender to replace all of your kitchen appliances.

I had already put my stove, microwave, dishwasher and fridge on Craigslist before I saw it.