Patents: Drink, Drive, Get Arrested–All from the Comfort of Home

police car
These games are more fun - and much safer - to play at home.

Melanie Ware must have been in a partying mood when she did the patent research below. She’ll tell you about it:

What party would be complete without board games? Each of the priceless treasures below is a patented board game, though I’m not so sure that Milton Bradley is beating down many of the patent holders’ doors to put these things on the market. Let’s get this party started!

1. Here’s a “Board game and method for teaching responsible drinking.” U.S. Patent 6,276,686, August 21, 2001, provides in part: “Another objective is to provide a board game that teaches responsible drinking to a plurality of players.” (That’s it, share the love. Nobody wants to drink alone.) “A further objective is to provide a board game that is easy to learn and fun to play.”

2. When the “responsible drinking” goes too far, here’s a “Board game simulating drunk driving.” U.S. Patent 4,216,966, August 12, 1980. The title speaks for itself, but here is a basic overview: “The invention relates to a game board apparatus which correlates consumption of liquor and the time span during which the liquor is consumed. The game board includes a pathway of connected playing locations upon which a player token is progressed …. Adjacent some of the playing locations are stop locations where liquor and time can be obtained. With the roll of dice, the player moves toward a happening such as the theater and enroute can be moved into a liquor establishment wherein liquor is consumed over a stated period of time all evidenced on a card drawn by the player. The amount of liquor consumed and the time of consumption in the various liquor establishments are recorded on a display board. Information from the display board is transferred to a blood alcohol chart which indicates sobriety or drunkenness. If a player is shown to be drunk, the sober player token head is changed to a token head indicating drunkenness and a police car is put into play by use of a second pair of dice.”

3. Since you’ve been driving drunk, it’s only natural that you might get busted, in which case you’ll need the “Double-Standard DWI-Rules Game.” U.S. Patent 6,412,77, July 2, 2002, describes “A game for a multitude of players based on driving rules applied according to a player’s social status.” (Apparently, the game educates us on who’s most likely to get out of a DWI.) “The object of the game disclosed herein, is to provide amusement for the players while they acquaint themselves with the financial liability incurred by being arrested for driving drunk. It is also is an object of the game is to provide amusement for the players while they acquaint themselves with the behind the scene manipulations resulting in special treatment for drunk-driving offenders according to their social status.”

4. Finally, you can wend your way through the criminal justice system playing a “Board game apparatus involving criminal justice,” U.S. Patent 3,977,680, August 31, 1976. “This invention relates to an educational game which simulates the criminal justice procedure, from the initial police encounter, through Attorney selection, arraignment, the posting of bond and the selection of an appropriate jury.”

Thanks to Melanie Ware. The full text of these patents can be found by plugging in their numbers at the U.S. Trademark and Patent Office website here.

Patent: “Semen Taste-Enhancement Dietary Supplement”

Ever think being a “taste-tester” might be a good way to pick up a few extra bucks? Better read the fine print before signing up.

U.S. Patent No. 6,485,773 is a patent for an invention for a “semen taste-enhancement dietary supplement.”

This invention allegedly results in a “significant improvement to the taste of the male ejaculate by reducing its generally salty and/or bitter taste while also adding a pleasant flavor that is considered by 98.5% of all customers as very enjoyable.”

Marketing testing started with 27 couples of various lifestyles, all of who reported “significant semen-taste improvement.”

The secret ingredients include freeze-dried pineapple juice, broccoli powder, celery powder, strawberry powder and banana powder.

They’re not called Legal Oddities for nothing.

— U.S. Patent No. 6,485,773, Nov. 26, 2002. Thanks to David Barman.

Patent: Breath of Fresh Air? Not!

patent for getting fresh air from a toiletU.S. Patent No. 4,320,756 appears to be a useful and quite ingenius invention that could prevent deaths from smoke inhalation in the event of fire by allowing trapped occupants in proximity to a toilet an alternative source of air.

The illustration shows a man with a tube in his mouth. The tube runs into a toilet and back into the toilet sewage pipe, where breathable air apparently exists. But the inventor oversells the invention a bit by naming it the “Fresh-Air Breathing Device and Method,” and repeatedly extolling the “fresh air” one can access while waiting for help from firefighters.

Fresh air? Not too sure about that. The breathing tube connects to “a sewer line or soil pipe for draining waste materials and water upon flushing of the toilet.” It does contain a filter to help deal with the “residual sewer gases.” I guess that would help.

By the way, an excellent part of the invention claimed is “the step of flushing said toilet” prior to inserting the breathing tube. Leave it to those inventors. They think of everything.

— U.S. Patent No. 4,320,756, Mar. 23, 1982. Thanks to David Barman.

Patent: Coitus Interuptus Via a Recording Vibrator

patent for audio recording vibratorGood old American ingenuity and entrepreneurship. Just when you think everything worth inventing has already been invented, someone comes up with a great invention like the one described in U.S. Patent No. 5,928,170: the “audio-enhanced sexual vibrator.”

The ultimate gift for multi-taskers, this is a vibrator with a built-in “audio signal processor for recording and playing back personalized messages, before or after sexual interplay for enhanced aural stimulation.”

The main object of the invention is “to enhance the pleasure or satisfaction of a person during sexual intercourse, sexual simulation, or orgasmic therapy by providing a vibrating device which can record intimate or personalized messages, music or other sound effects ….”

However, “a further object of the invention is to provide a vibrator that can capture spontaneous thoughts or ideas occurring during a sexual situation, whereby those thoughts or ideas may otherwise be lost or forgotten if not recorded during the emotional or passionate state of sexual arousal.”

Suppose, for example, in the middle of sex, the user remembers they forgot to pick up the dry cleaning.  Just make a quick memo to self and no worries.

If they could only build a smart phone into it, they’d really have something going.

— U.S. Patent No. 5,928,170

Patent: A Talking Head of the Worst Kind

patent for talking toiletYou’d think the bathroom would be the one place you could escape to for some quiet time, but no.

U.S. Patent No. 6,417,773, issued July 9, 2002, is for a talking toilet. This invention allows one to record audio messages that are delivered to toilet users when a microphone hears the sound of the toilet flushing. The purpose of the invention is to promote good hygiene by reminding toilet users to wash their hands, but since users can record any message they want, there’s no reason the device couldn’t be put to other good uses like practical jokes or even political commentary. “There goes the economy” with every flush could have your guests in stitches.

For more toilet humor, check out U.S. Patent No. 5,829,068, issued Nov. 3, 1998, which could prove to be the greatest invention ever for promoting peace in the war between the sexes. The invention is a hydraulic toilet seat raising and lowering device. No more, “Honey, you didn’t put the seat down.” Let this baby do it for you.

— Thanks to David Barman, the Patent Man.

 

Patent: The Amazing Patented “Stick”

patent for dog toyOkay, maybe it’s a little fancier than a stick, but it’s still pretty funny that someone could get a patent for “[a]n apparatus for use as a toy by an animal, for example a dog, to either fetch, carry or chew; includes a main section with at least one protrusion extending therefrom that resembles a branch in appearance.” U.S. Patent No. 6,360,693.

Included in the invention are the “OBJECTS AND SUMMARY OF THE INVENTION,” such as: “It is an object of the present invention to provide an animal toy that a dog may carry in its mouth.” Wow, that is like, almost Edison-esque.

And this one: “It is also an important object of the invention to provide an animal toy that is easy for a dog to pick up off of the ground.” Well, of course, that’s important. Dogs have a rough enough life as it is without having to suffer the annoyance of fetching a toy that’s hard to pick up off the ground. Think how aggravating that must be.

This must-have toy for your canine friends also floats, glows in the dark and is flavored.  You can see how wistful the doggie in the picture looks, stuck with that large tree limb instead of a coveted patented stick.

— U..S. Patent No. 6,360,693, issued Mar. 26, 2002. Thanks to David Barman.