McClurg's Legal Humor Headquarters
HOME    WELCOME TO  LAWHAHA    CLASSIC 3-PAK  (from the Harmless Error Vault)    THE LAW SCHOOL TRIP    WEIRD LEGAL NEWS    STRANGE JUDICIAL  OPINIONS    FUNNIEST LAW  SCHOOL MOMENTS    WHO IS SUZY SPIKES?    WORLD'S GREATEST  LAW REVIEW ARTICLE    UNIVERSE'S BEST  PRODUCT WARNING    LINKS    MCCLURG BIO   MONTHLY READER POLL New poll! It's easy to name BP as the most blameworthy in the oil spill disaster. Who should rank second? Interior Secretary Ken Salazar, who is reponsible for overseeing the U.S. Minerals Management Service (see below). U.S. Minerals Management Service, which is responsible for overseeing offshore drilling. President Obama, who is responsible for overseeing everything. The rest of us, who are responsible for the U.S. being the highest oil-consuming country in the world.	HARMLESS ERROR A TRULY MINORITY VIEW ON THE LAW October 1999 Suzy’s Re-dress By Andrew J. McClurg      My daughter’s litigiously delinquent pal, Suzy Spikes, just turned 13, causing concern in the neighborhood over the effect of adolescence on Suzy’s already temperamental nature.            Fortunately, most of the new locks, charms, garlic braids, guard dogs and lawyers on retainer proved unnecessary. Apart from 100,000 histrionic outbursts, three “Officer Needs Assistance” calls and a minor incident in which Suzy bound Billy Johnson with electrical cord until he conceded the Backstreet Boys are “hot,” Suzy’s adjustment to teen status has gone surprisingly smoothly.            Until last week, when her junior high school imposed a new uniform dress code. On the first day, school officials determined Suzy’s outfit was out of compliance. In response to being sent home, Suzy organized a demonstration in the parking lot by 300 seventh grade girls who chanted “No ex post facto plaid” and sang “We Shall Overcome Hunter Green” until administrators reluctantly granted Suzy a hearing.            Principal Geeker represented the school. Suzy appeared pro se. It was a mismatch.            Q. Suzy, you have the uniform dress code in front of you. Show me where it says students are permitted to wear leopard skin tights.            A. Doesn’t say you can’t.            Q. Platform combat boots?            A. Doesn’t say you can’t.            Q. Faux rabbit fur scarf?            A. I stand by my previous answers. If the dorks who wrote this hideously unfair and stupid dress code wanted to outlaw my everyday wear, they should have said so. How was I supposed to know?            Q. It just so happens I’m the dork who wrote this hideously unfair and stupid dress code.            A. Then I should inform you that anything you say can and will be used against you. This state has strict laws against child abuse.            Q. Sigh.            Suzy’s case consisted of the testimony of several other adolescent girls who swore under oath they would “absolutely die” if they couldn’t wear their new $50 teeshirts from Abercrombie & Fitch. Then came Suzy’s turn to examine the principal.            Q. Tell me, Principal Geeker, if that’s your real name, with all the problems facing our schools, why did you dedicate your career to ruining the life of an adorable, innocent 13-year-old child?            A. I assure you the purpose of the dress code was not to ruin your life.            Q. Lies! Distortion!            A. Suzy, please.            Q. Objection! Badgering counsel. How can I possibly be expected to defend myself when every move I make I get tormented by The Man?            A. Overruled.            Q. Fine. Send me to the electric chair.            A. Sigh.            Suzy’s closing argument was compelling. She made an impassioned plea for liberty, individuality and Doc Martens, cried real tears, threw up on the vice principal, and threatened a class action on behalf of all similarly situated hormonally-impaired and garment-oppressed 13-year-olds. Principal Geeker has called in sick for three weeks straight, so the final disposition remains pending.

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